June 16th, 2017

Content Warning: Mental Health, Anxiety, Depression

One of the reasons why I don’t share about this that often is that mental health, is often a stigma in East Asian cultures as well as the church.  That being said, it shouldn’t be this hard to write about these things because, the more it’s talked about, the more it’s less of a stigma. 

June 16^th, 2017

I’m having this crippling feeling of melancholy.  I don’t know if its depression, but just a lot of contemplative somewhat negative thinking.  I think speaking with another staff worker about the lack of diversity in terms of Culver Staff, just sorta got to me.  How I was the only Asian staff for the summer was really hard to reconcile with.  Almost as if speaking about it made it way more real even though I’m actively living this experience.  Another thing that’s hard is the fact that there is quite a bit of pressure.  To do all these things, in a drastically different environment that I’m used to, is a struggle to work through.  There’s almost a lack of motivation to get anything done, and I know that things will change once I interact with students, but until then, it’s just the same old monotony and I think it’s getting to me.  If this feeling continues, I may decide to seek counseling, whether it’s from the guidance counselor or the spiritual advisor.  Maybe I’m just tired.  I know it’s only 6 weeks but time definitely slows down here and already the last few days have felt like an eternity.  It’s only been four days, the students haven’t even shown up yet.  At least my blog is up.

This is backdated because I don’t really feel comfortable sharing that I sometimes have crippling feelings like this.  Some of my closest friends know that I struggle through this and when I do, it’s like I’m paralyzed.  The life that I choose to live is one that is not being put down on a day-to-day basis and I’m so thankful that I believe in a God who rescues me whenever I call.  However, I do know the reality that people do struggle with feelings like this, and sometimes worse.  Don’t feel scared to share and to open up to your friends and your family.  I get through by talking to my friends, praying and sometimes just taking time for myself.  It’s not a sign of weakness when people go through these things and I hope that those who are reading this, to remember to show grace and mercy, to know that people like me will share in good time.  As of today (June 19^th), I feel quite better.  I know what my role is, I know my responsibilities and I know how to help myself.  The people here are wonderful, I just have to be open to them and not shy away and protect myself in that fashion.